I am a happy drunk and I receive none of the benefits that other minorities takes for granted. It’s profiling and you know it!

1. Really fat people or really old people get a scooter when they shop for candy, syrup and pancake mixtures. Is it really too much to ask for a designated scooter when I cruise around the liquor store naked, looking for Soco?

2. What about designated parking spots in front of bars? I don’t think it is an unreasonable request to be able to find my car quickly, when I leave the bar after last call. At the very least have a person standing by outside the bar, to inform me that I took a cab and my car is five miles away – at another bar. It’s cold outside and it can take hours to realize that you’re in the wrong parking lot.

3. I get no attention on the road either; except for badge wearing chatterboxes in noisy cars, who can’t seem to operate their equipment. Most state freeways have HOV lanes for cars with two or more people in them; I want my own lane too! The car will carry at least 8 people which is four times as efficient!

4. Blind people have intelligent dogs to walk them around; I’ll be lucky to have ballroom dressed tramp by my side, when I am ordered to leave the bar. All I want is a customized GPS with all the coordinates that I need preprogrammed, which include: Waffle House, White Castle, closest ATM, Crystal, closets open liquor store, my bedroom, my fridge, closets airport and detours around every police scanner, unit, station and man on the planet. My car is yellow, it smells like tequila and it moves at the speed of hooters; I don’t want to explain why the fastest way home leads through the mall, it just does alright!

5. They got hearing aids for the hearing impaired people. All I want is a device that grants me the ability to distinguish between “Yes” and “No”, which is not a lot to ask. It makes a huge difference in almost all the important matters, when you’re drunk. “Yes” to the right woman, “no” to the wrong man Mr. Lykke.

6. The society stands in line to give people a new leg or a new arm, if they are unfortunate enough to lose it; the society stands in line to throw my ass in jail if I can’t operate the arms and legs I already got. How about just a pad on the shoulder and help to reach the bar?

7. Illegal aliens can get a house faster than anyone else; my underage girlfriend can’t even buy a beer! I would settle for a trailer and a year supply of kegs; I don’t ask for much.

8. Healthy people applaud people with disadvantages when they do something extraordinary, seen from their point of view. When I do something extraordinary, like pee across the hood of a car or even manage not to shower the inside of my pants when I want to take a leak, other people either kick the living crap out of me, or continue twice as fast in the opposite direction. All I want is a hug… and / or smaller cars.

9. Every other people on the planet who wake up feeling poorly, usually have a caretaker. I am lucky if my sheets are still dry and there’s a bucket by my bed. This is not the medieval times people! Give me sympathy, a bucket of mocha and donut for Christ’s sake!

10 Last but not least: people with chronic mental problems have educated people assigned to help and understand them. I’m only mentally retarded 50% of the time but I couldn’t even get my mom to pretend to care, when I sit on the roof talking to the cat. I want a cute blonde with the IQ of a turtle on weed, to understand that this serious and I need attention; now!

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